it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
