can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
