you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
