Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
