You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
