When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
