he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
