i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
