have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
