i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
