Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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