Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
