Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
