Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
