You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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