I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
