Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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