i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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