this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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