Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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