She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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