I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
