Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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