Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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