I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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