the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
