I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Be still, my beating vagina.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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