there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
