then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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