I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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