At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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