According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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