1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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