i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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