I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
