I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize