weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
