dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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