I could make wine with my vomit
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
