ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
