Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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