I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
