As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
