I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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