I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
