just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
