Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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