In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
