my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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