I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
