I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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