I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
