Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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